“You are a slime bag! You’ve sunk as low as you can go! What the hell has happened to you?” I raged inside, fuming over the legal charges my former lover, Kent, had brought against me. I obsessed, “Why? Why? Why? Why couldn’t you just talk to me instead of going to an f-ing court?”
For the next four years I alternated between feeling furious and forgiving Kent. Why did he have to end our relationship with hatred? Who had he become? I swore in anger and wept in grief.
I study A Course in Miracles, (ACIM) whose primary principle is forgiveness. The Course suggests that we turn over our thoughts to the Holy Spirit, which can also be called our inner voice, our Higher Self. Some things we just can’t forgive on our own, and Kent’s betrayal was one of these. The feelings ran too raw and too deep.
I practiced, “Holy Spirit, Help me see this differently. I choose forgiveness. I am not the victim of Kent.” As I held the intention to forgive, the ideas of ACIM began to sink in. A Course in Miracles tells us that our world is a reflection of our thoughts, so Kent’s legal action merely reflected my inner guilt. Indeed, I had felt guilty about my relationship with him for many years. Our relationship began in sordid circumstances, so I felt guilty about that. I felt guilty about still loving him when I was in a good relationship with another man I loved. It began to dawn on me that Kent’s legal charges were not so much about him hating me, as me hating myself.
A Course in Miracles tells us that we don’t realize it, but we are actually making other people act out for us. They merely do what we would have them do. This is a tall order when someone kicks you in the teeth. The Course also reminds us that the guilt we are aware of is only the tip of the iceberg. It took me four years to see it, but as I practiced forgiving Kent, I awakened. The process of looking at my guilt was excruciating. On the courtroom stand I sobbed and sobbed, unable to stop myself. I thought the judge must think I was an unstable idiot, but he gave me a good recommendation.
I would never have seen the depth of this guilt had Kent not brought legal action. I had been involved in a vicious custody battle for my daughter years before, but apparently had not expiated the inner guilt enough. I needed another court battle to see the bottomless hatred of the ego thought system. I actually thought I loved myself. Once I looked at the guilt I could release it, but I couldn’t heal what I didn’t know was there.
Kent was what A Course in Miracles calls my savior. He was my angel in disguise, showing me blocks that needed to be cleared away for me to love myself. Forgiving Kent transferred to forgiving me. The miracle is that I no longer blame Kent for what he did to me, or, as the Course would say, what he didn’t do. I am free. Thank you, Kent.